


the incidental ramblings of iruma miyazaki

by bstrdangel



Category: Despair Bells: Love's End
Genre: Domestic Violence, Free Verse, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Poetry, References to Ancient Greek Religion & Lore, Underage Drinking, Vomiting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-24
Updated: 2020-05-20
Packaged: 2021-03-01 23:14:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 1,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23815222
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bstrdangel/pseuds/bstrdangel
Summary: what if miya knew how to handle his feelings healthily?what if it was through poetry?
Comments: 7
Kudos: 2





	1. trust

two hands  
you trust me  
i think  
do i trust you?  
i don't want to  
  
the only thing you can hear  
is shallow breathing  
the room is dark  
the clock reads one  
it's early  
  
but you tell me it's late  
too late for what?  
i don't know  
and  
you don't answer  
  
i think i've decided now  
i trust you  
not with my life  
but enough for it to mean something  
it means something, right?  
  
this time it's three  
you're drunk  
and all i can see is colours  
you're painted in a vibrant hue  
i like it  
  
but you're not like him  
his colour was softer  
so was his voice  
his touch  
everything about him  
  
and i think i trusted him more

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a stanza by stanza breakdown! (because this is one of the harder ones)
> 
> stanza 1 ; miya's trying to convince himself that the other person trusts him, so he should trust them too. he doesn't want to trust them but feels like he has to. he doesn't have a choice.
> 
> stanza 2 ; r-really? it's a sex scene. thanks. it's also 1am.
> 
> stanza 3 ; miya overthinks everything when he's with this person. the reason is unclear. he overanalyses everything they say and becomes paranoid over it. he says he has no clue what they could mean (if what they said actually meant anything at all). 
> 
> stanza 4 ; he decides to trust them. he's careful with how much trust he puts in them, since they're likely to disappoint. unlike the second stanza, their relationship is implied to be more than just sexual since miya wants his trust to 'mean something'.
> 
> stanza 5 ; it's 3am. we know miya does a fuck ton of drugs post-season 1, and he's meant to be high during this stanza. they've likely just returned from a party or somewhere else together since neither of them are sober. the 'colours' could either be the result of some sort of hallucinogen or just miya associating a colour with this person. they're likely a strong and nice presence in miya's eyes because of how he describes the colour.
> 
> stanza 6 ; miya shifts his attention from the other person, who's been a constant through the whole poem, to someone from his past. who is unclear. from the way he describes them, they're likely calmer and less spontaneous than the person he's with now. the relationship between miya and the person from his past is left ambiguous. take it how you will. when miya says his voice was softer, there's a possibility that the new person in his life tends to shout or raise their voice to him. similar things can be interpreted from the third and fourth line. it's implied that the relationship is/could be abusive.
> 
> stanza 7 ; miya realises that the person he's with now isn't good for him after comparing it with his past experiences. he labels the person from his past as better than the one he has now.


	2. lock

every lock has its key  
it's true  
i'm waiting to find mine  
i pretend i don't care  
just in case  
  
but  
no one told me  
that you can disguise  
a lockpick as a key  
and pretend

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a stanza by stanza breakdown! (even if this one is simple)
> 
> stanza 1 ; miya says that everyone has their 'perfect match'. comparing it to a lock relates to his talent. he's waiting for his but isn't too optimistic about it. he tries not to care so it won't be so bad when he's disappointed.
> 
> stanza 2 ; because of miya's experience as an escape artist, he should definitely know the difference between a key and a lockpick and why lockpicks are more difficult. taking it out of the metaphor, miya should know whether or not a relationship is right for him (a key) or whether it's not (a lockpick).


	3. close, but no cigar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> but what if by the time they all left the island, keri had almost fallen for miya  
> but not quite  
> and what if after, miya realised  
> too late?

i think i almost did it  
didn’t i?  
sometimes i can tell  
by the glint in your eye  
but i can never tell  
what you’re thinking  
  
it has to be something complicated  
something i wouldn’t get  
because you use big words  
i don’t understand  
but i try  
by god i try  
  
so i've been reading  
even though i know it's too late now  
do you want to know what i learned?  
i have a lot of time  
to myself now  
and even if you aren't here i still manage to spend it on you  
  
i read about apollon  
i think you'd like him  
the god of poetry and some other things  
he's watching as i write this  
i can tell  
because otherwise it'd turn out shit  
  
aphrodite must've blessed you  
i know that  
a pretty face isn't the be all end all  
but it's a nice thing to have  
in that respect  
you're lucky  
  
cronus is a titan god  
i'm not sure what that means exactly  
i didn't dwell for too long  
but i know i don't like him  
he rushed us  
too quick  
  
i think i almost did it  
didn't i?  
sometimes i could tell  
by the glint in your eye  
you almost fell  
but you must've caught yourself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a stanza by stanza breakdown! (because you need to understand this one)
> 
> title ; 'close, but no cigar' is an idiom that means an attempt was almost successful but just fell short.
> 
> stanza 1 ; something in how keri acted around him suggested miya might be making progress with his advancements. still, miya's unsure. he isn't sure what he could be thinking.
> 
> stanza 2 ; miya suspects even if he knew, he wouldn't be able to decipher and figure out what he meant by it. the second half of the stanza is referring both to his thoughts and his speech. he's trying his best to find out what he might think, but he's having equal difficult knowing what he says in normal conversation. either way, he's trying to understand because both of those things genuinely interest him. (yes, cori, he's interested in what your dumb tall victorian emo has to say.)
> 
> stanza 3 ; miya starts reading about things keri would be interested. he thinks intelligence might be where he fell short. he directly addresses the reader with a question, implying this may be intended for keri to read. he says even though he doesn't spend time with keri anymore, he still manages to influence the things he does.
> 
> stanza 4 ; apollon is the greek god of poetry (and some other things). he likely read up on greek mythology since he knows it's something keri knows a lot about. some of his regular language slips through in this stanza, suggesting the poem might be quite personal.
> 
> stanza 5 ; aphrodite is the greek goddess of beauty. miya says keri's attractive (i reckon he would've use more colourful language but...). he also says that whether someone's attractive or not doesn't necessarily matter to him, at least not as much as most people would think.
> 
> stanza 6 ; cronus is a titan, and the god of harvest. miya likely mixed him up with chronos (the personification of time) which shows he is still not very knowledgable in the subject he's writing about. he says that he thinks the gods ran their time up too quickly, and that he would've succeeded had he had a little longer.
> 
> stanza 7 ; it starts with a repitition of the first stanza, but ends with a different two lines. keri almost fell for him. miya knows this. while the reason he didn't is left up to you, miya thinks it's because keri simply chose not to. there's a few reasons he probably thinks that, but we aren't gonna get into those today. ;)


	4. crying in the mirror

miya got better  
or, rather  
he learned how to deal with it  
and push it down   
far enough that it wouldn't bother him

and still he ended up  
hunched over the toilet  
with the taste of bile in his throat  
and tears pricking the corners of his eyes  
because of nothing

because the bird squawked  
'don't drink the water'  
and his mind went everywhere it shouldn't have  
and he remembered things he'd forgotten  
that should've stayed forgotten

it was only a split second  
but he was no longer in his bathroom  
for a moment he was   
under flashing lights  
with heavy eyes and a foggy head

there was someone he didn't know to his right  
they might've said their name  
but all the sounds were blurring together  
and miya might've given his name  
but everything came out slurred

he'd only had two drinks  
he swears  
not enough of a lightweight  
to get wasted off of two screwdrivers  
made with cheap vodka

he felt like passing out  
and vomiting  
and some things he didn't know how to describe  
so he stumbled away  
only to be caught by the same person

oh  
if only he hadn't been caught  
by the same  
person

when he went to the mirror  
the disgusting taste still in the back of his mouth  
for a moment he was  
sixteen again  
and crying

and there were purple bruises around his neck  
his scalp hurt   
as if someone tried to rip out a fistful of his hair  
and his eyes were red  
and there was an ugly hickey on his collarbone

then he blinked and he wasn't  
sixteen at all  
he was eighteen  
and he was okay  
but he was still

still crying in the mirror


	5. imouto-san

it's some time in july  
the exact date doesn't matter  
but i find myself commiting it to memory  
anyway

all i know for certain  
is that it's been a year  
i don't know how mom and dad are handling it  
but   
i hope they're doing okay  
because even if i'm not there  
it's not like i don't give a shit

but i know that  
from then on it was almost  
a constant  
downhill  
slide  
of shit.

and i blame myself  
and venus  
and everyone else there  
for not stopping it  
and i especially blame them  
for what they did to her

i blame them  
because now i know what it looks like  
when the only way they can identify  
your little sister's corpse  
is because the blood was blue  
instead of red

and it looks like hell

while everyone else saw a body  
and went off looking for clues  
as if they were playing a part in some twisted  
sherlock holmes novel  
i saw my little sister

and i remember when i met her  
for the first time  
the excitement of a hyperactive ten year old  
her eyes lit up  
and the world grew brighter with them  
and i remember shouting  
'i'm your brother!' over and over  
until mom dragged me away from her

and i remember when we were fourteen  
and she realised for the first time  
that she wasn't going to die  
and she was scared  
because uncertainty is scarier than a definite end  
and i remember telling her  
'it's okay, 'cuz i ain't gunna leave you ever.'   
and she was shaking but we agreed  
not to abandon each other

and i remember a year ago  
when she told me she thought she might  
be in love  
i wanted to laugh  
but i didn't  
and i remember saying  
'i support ya, em.'  
and pushing her out the door  
half-drunk

i remember my little sister  
but also  
everything else she was beyond that  
and  
i want to make her proud  
i don't think i can  
not anymore  
but the least i can do now  
is remember her

i love ya, em


	6. differently

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> miya writes a letter  
> to a certain someone  
> with no idea  
> how he's going to get it to them  
> by the time they leave  
> it's still in his drawer

i think a week  
might've passed

by the colour of the sky  
and the sound of the seagulls  
i think  
it's dawn now

are you doing okay?  
i don't know  
if i am  
but that might be a bit selfish to say

i'm sorry  
i couldn't have  
kept my mouth shut  
and stayed quiet

maybe  
if i had   
things would've turned out  
differently

differently  
that sounds nice


	7. echoes

i'm used to it

the house i grew up in  
was small  
every sound echoed off the walls  
shouting  
talking  
everything  
bounced off the walls  
for everyone to hear

i suppose this  
isn't much different  
really  
the apartment's small  
i know i shouldn't  
say anything  
because it echoes  
and the echoes have started to hurt my ears

but this time  
no one hears it  
except me


	8. artemis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> a.k.a. angel is lazy but wanted to post something ♡҉٩(*´︶`*)۶҉

artemis  
she told me  
you're acting  
strange  
  
i know  
i pretend i don't  
because  
that's easier


	9. ficaria verna

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ˚‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

flowers mean little to me  
they're pretty  
but useless  
(doesn't that remind you  
of someone?)  
the yellow   
bewitching  
a beautiful little thing  
so i  
pick the flower

a ripple  
and i'm somewhere else  
a drop  
and the meadows are gone  
a splash  
and you're there

you look  
nervous  
but beautiful  
i catch your eye  
and i think  
maybe  
maybe i could love you  
but you look away

i offer you the flower  
and you take it  
and smile  
the spring flower  
tells you more than i ever could

i wonder if you know  
it's poison


	10. reflections

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i wonder...

you’re reflected everywhere

your eyes in the spring  
the daffodils  
and the sun that comes through my bedroom window  
every morning  
the leaves  
so green  
so few  
i think you liked cherry blossoms  
just after they bloomed  
i know i did  
reflected in the spring  
i try to forget

your hair in the water  
but not quite  
you have to wait, be patient  
wait  
until night  
the stars and the moon  
melt into it  
i remember we used to sit there  
and talk  
just talk  
reflected in the water  
i try to forget

your smile in the sunset  
it’s warm  
and used to make me feel safe  
like no one could touch me  
us  
it wouldn’t stay for long  
but it was beautiful  
i hope i made you smile  
at some point  
i must have  
reflected in the sunset  
i try to forget

sometimes i wonder  
do you try to forget  
or  
do you choose to remember?


End file.
